The fundraiser to sequence Jay Lake’s cancer, otherwise known as the Acts of Whimsy fundraiser, is clicking along. We made $40,000 in four days, so Jay’s sequencing needs will be met. We’re pushing for more, so that we can improve his quality of life. Five years of holding down a full time job while undergoing four rounds of chemo and multiple surgeries, plus raising a child, can wear you down.

The fundraiser has generated numerous acts of whimsy–so many that linking them individually here would be quite a chore. Instead, I recommend perusing the links over at the fundraiser page. I will probably throw them into blog posts at random over the next couple of weeks. So much fun stuff over there, and more to come.

I will highlight, however, Howard Tayler’s contribution. Howard got kind of confused, and instead of contributing an Act of Whimsy, he created a work of art. Howard pledged to draw a picture of Jay Lake kicking cancer’s ass. The result is magnificent, and not only because I am in it (look closely). It turns out I really needed to see cancer personified, with Jay’s boot up its butt.

Tobias S. Buckell has posted a piece of fiction he wrote at the age of 14, which he promised as the $1000 fundraising milestone. That mark flew by so fast it knocked us all on our butts, and Toby scrambled to get the document prepared. Thanks are due to Angie Rush, aka aiela on LJ, for rapid transcription work allowing the story to make the transition from yellowed pages to the internet. Here’s Toby’s introduction and explanation. Although he promised it would be terrible, I saw one at least one major editor on Twitter say that it was “not bad.” Toby, we are disappoint!

If you’re new to this story, this is all in support of a fundraiser to get Jay Lake’s genome sequenced–actually, his normal genome, and the genome of one or more of his tumors. Exciting cutting edge science stuff! We have more than enough for sequencing, but the campaign continues to improve the quality of his life in what may be the final chapter of his life.

We are eagerly awaiting earned bonuses including Jim Hines reading from HIS early work, dressed as an elf named Nakor, a sock puppet show by Elizabeth Bear and Scott Lynch, John Scalzi singing a lost Bob Dylan song in the style of Bob Dylan, Neil Gaiman, and more. Because this fundraiser keeps exceeding our expectations, we are formulating newer, better Acts of Whimsy. A couple of things are brewing behind the scenes for $40k and beyond. Also, “Jay! The musical” has appeared as a $100,000 goal. I think this started as a joke, but if we make it I will totally hold the jokesters to their promise.

 

With the Jay Lake fundraiser approaching $35,000, Jay unexpectedly received notice from Paypal that he was locked out of his account for suspected fraud. Initial attempts at resolution seemed ineffective, and it appeared that a multi-day appeal process was ahead of us.

I’m so glad to say that after a conversation with Mary Robinette Kowal and approximately 8 million directed tweets from many folks, Paypal resolved the problem and unlocked Jay’s account. As if that weren’t enough, this donation rolled in:

PayPal

We are so sorry for the mistake that led to your account limitation. Thanks for letting us know and we are glad we could get it fixed quickly. Our apologies once again. It’s a great cause and we wish you all the best. Have a great weekend. From the folks at PayPal

We also received, separately, a private donation from Anuj at Paypal. Great outcome. Now I really hope that Paypal looks at its preemptive account lock out procedure, as this has happened to others and not everyone has MRK on speed dial.

Update: another donation came in this morning from Paypal’s David Marcus: “Very sorry again for the inconvenience on your PayPal account.” I’m impressed.

The first few Acts of Whimsy for the Sequence a Science Fiction Writer fundraiser have begun to roll in.

Here’s author and voice actor Mary Robinette Kowal reading selections from the classics in “phone sex” voice:

Here’s author Paul Cornell singing Kate Bush’s “Wuthering Heights” (a song I didn’t know existed until this fundraiser):

The fundraiser has met its goals, but if you still want to help Jay, your contributions would go a long way toward improving his quality of life by allowing him to take a leave of absence from work.

I’ve been busy this week putting together a fundraiser for Jay Lake, to sequence his cancer genome. Check it out!

http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/Sequence-a-Science-Fiction-Writer/38705

As of this writing, the funds are pouring in. I’m so touched, and so hopeful. I do believe in miracles. Help us make one.

A week from tomorrow, Immortal Confusion will be underway, with guests Charles Stross, Scott Edelman, Jennifer Ouellette, Mary Robinette Kowal, James David Nicoll, and more. I volunteered not only for my usual lit programming, but for science and music tracks, so I’ll be working hard that weekend.

I’d like to make a particular note of the Instrumental Irish Jam on Friday night. If you are a musician familiar with Traditional Irish Music, please please please come and save me from 1.5 hours of dead air. My son and I and a couple of friends will be anchoring this session, but the more the merrier. In a traditional Irish session, tunes are played from memory, usually quite fast. I WILL be bring sheet music, because I suffer from a bit of stage fright that makes it really hard to play from memory, but what I really hope is that we can have fun and introduce yet another great music tradition to a great con.

All traditional Irish tunes are welcome, and there are hundreds to choose from. However, Glen and I are preparing the following tunes: Drowsy Maggie, Kesh Jig, Swallowtail Jig, Rickett’s Hornpipe, St. Anne’s Reel, Flowers of Edinburgh, Irish Washerwoman, Si Bheag Si Mor, and Ashokan Farewell (not traditional, I know, but pretty).

I have a great panel line up. I’m looking forward to some interesting conversations. Between the music and prep for “Science Year in Review” I’m going to really be doing my homework for this convention. And you know what? I am ALREADY SAD because one weekend is not enough for so many great friends and experiences. *sniff*

Friday              6:00:00 PM  Science Year In Review

Friday              9:00:00 PM  Concert:  Irish Instrumental Jam

Saturday         10:00:00 AM  The End

Saturday          3:00:00 PM  Make Me Immortal

Saturday          5:00:00 PM  Mass Autograph Session

Sunday           10:00:00 AM  Science Writing And Popularization

Sunday   12:00:00 PM         Dumb Questions

I can’t believe it’s been over a month since I’ve posted here. Sometimes lately life feels like being in a giant hamster ball rolling rapidly down an endless mountain. I’m pausing in the whirlwind a moment to catch my breath and take stock.

The past couple of years have been times of tremendous change for me personally and for my family. I turned 40 this year, and with that, unexpectedly, has come a giddy sense of freedom, as if 40 was the age I’d always been told I’d have to be before I could really do what I wanted. That’s not true, of course, but somehow entering a new decade flipped a switch in my brain–the switch that says I don’t give a fuck what people think or expect, I’m going to do what I want. (See how I used the f-word, there? I’m 40–I don’t care if you’re offended. Which, by the way, if you are, you’re probably a time traveler from 1978 or something, because no one blinks at f-bombs anymore.)

All mixed up with that is the continuing grieving process over recent losses, primarily my mother, which is complicated by just a shitload of suffering she experienced in her life, and which is taking me a long time to process. It’s not just her death, and not just the fact that her death was incredibly difficult and painful for her and all of us, but really her life from 1976 through 2011 was one long train wreck, and now that it’s over, I’m doing all the things people do after a train wreck–wandering around pretending I’m fine, being in shock, asking God why it had to happen to us, trying to understand, slowly realizing where I’m hurt and how, etc. I think it’s all going fine, but I truly am changing, inside and out, in some very powerful ways.

We’ve also, obviously, been adding on to our house. And although we’ve hired contractors to do almost all of the work, it turns out that it’s like a part time job for us. The sheer number of decisions to be made is exhausting, and most of our weekends are spent either shopping for fixtures and materials or doing “small” tasks that will either save us money or make things smoother for the contractors. I’ve learned to stop wanting to know when it will be done. It’s done when it’s done. That’s true of all such projects, and we’ve actually grown pretty accustomed to living with it. One of the greatest benefits of the renovation is one we’re already enjoying. We have a new driveway that you can park a car from the 21st century in. And, if we are inclined, we can also park in our garage. It can hardly get sweeter than that.

I made significant changes in my diet this year, and had the series of ten rolfing sessions. I experienced total resolution of my foot pain (probably plantar fasciitis) from the rolfing, and also had visible improvements in my posture and alignment. I heartily endorse rolfing, and although I know the price is daunting (about $100/session for 10 sessions) I really think it’s worth it. I don’t want to be a broken record saying “rolfing” every time someone tells me about their aches and pains, so let me just make that comment here and now. Try rolfing! If you do a google image search on rolfing, you’ll find some before/after pics of the effects on various bodies. I’m not going to post my pics or my husband’s here, but we saw changes very consistent with those images that you find on the internet. This is very legit healing, and the effects are long-lasting. Many people find that rolfing helps their chiropractic adjustments “stick” because otherwise the fascia will pull the spine out of alignment over time, necessitating repeated, regular visits to get re-adjusted. So, give a thought to how much time and money your sore feet or bad back or trick shoulder are costing you, and you might find that $1000 is a small price to feel better. I wish health insurance would cover it, but we’re not there yet.

Another big change was giving up sugar, and the associated other, smaller, diet changes that began in Sept. My weight topped out around 165 last spring. I got down under 160 by counting calories and limiting carbs to about 100 per day by midsummer. Then I got busy and got off track, and most likely gained much of that back by Labor Day. I’m not sure how much, because I wasn’t weighing myself.

In September, I stopped eating sugar and white flour, and added more veggies, whole grains, and beans to my diet. Without any calorie counting, or any real effort at all, the pounds started coming off again. I was 148.5 on Christmas Day. (My husband said, “You’re weighing in on Christmas Day?” I said, “Yep.” I make no excuses for holidays.)

Let me say this again–with no real effort at all. The weight continues to come off. No effort. I really think the sugar was the core problem, and almost no one does this. People cut back on carbs, like I did earlier in the year. People also swear off processed foods and added sugars, but they almost always switch to “natural” sweeteners like honey or sugar-replacements like nutrasweet instead. Almost nobody ever just stops eating sweetened foods, and it’s a shame, because it’s pretty clear to me now that this is THE problem. Truly, I’ve found I don’t miss the sweets. For Christmas Day, as a treat, I made biscuits (whole wheat) with chocolate gravy, made with actual sugar. It was delicious, but I had a headache and an upset stomach within the hour. I can feel that this is bad for my body, although I was oblivious when I ate that way all the time. You can’t get this benefit by just cutting back. If you “cut back” but are still eating a bit of sugar on a daily basis, your body and mind will still be habituated to it. So although eating just a little sugar is better than eating a lot, it’s not the quantum change that you get from eating none. Give it a try some time!

In addition to being down 16.5 pounds, it’s almost all come off my waist, too, which, if you’re a woman, you might have thought was physically impossible. I know I did. I’ve lost five inches from my waist and one inch each from my bust and hips. Same bra size, so far. Very surprising.

Along with the weight loss have been some other, subtle changes in my health and wellbeing. My yoga practice began improving rapidly, with big leaps in my strength, endurance, and heat tolerance. I’m enjoying yoga more all the time.

A weird one is my alcohol tolerance. I wasn’t drinking alcohol when I first started the no sugar thing. Since I’ve resumed it, I’ve found I barely get buzzed from alcohol anymore, and that it passes really quickly, fading into heavy sedation within a hour or so. I’ve tested this many times, and am ready to give up drinking because it’s just not that much fun. Sort of like getting together with friends and taking ambien. “Haha that’s so funny–zzzzz.”

I’ll emphasize that this is not a change associated with heavy drinking. I don’t know if you were thinking it, but that’s usually the reason people stop experiencing euphoria from alcohol, so I have to kind of address that. I actually rarely drink, and when I do, three drinks is generally my maximum. In fact, I have an exquisite, nearly-full bottle of rainwater Madiera in the pantry that I opened at Christmas 2011 that surely has turned to vinegar by now because I never got around to drinking it.

It’s possible I can still experience drunkenness by drinking a lot more, but I think I would also pass out much faster. It’s a bit disappointing, as the disinhibiting effects of alcohol do help me deal with anxiety in new situations and with new people. But I don’t think falling asleep in front of those people would impress them very much, and it’s not fun for me, so it is what it is.

Although I think this is somehow connected with the whole no-sugar, clean-eating thing, I have found no scientific theories about it. I think it would be an interesting thing to look at–whether there’s a link between irregularities in sugar metabolism and the effects of alcohol. You can certainly identify populations where diabetes and alcoholism are highly prevalent, but I’m not sure what to make of it. The only conclusion I can draw is that my liver is probably much happier.

Last but not least, my writing life continues to putter along. The renovation has taken a lot of my time and attention away from writing, so I am consistently falling short of progress goals. However, I’ve had good results by setting aside a couple of evenings a week to work in coffee shops–once with other writers, and once alone–and I’m finding this at least keeps a minimum of momentum. I’m nearly done with edits on my second novel, which I’m calling City of Stone. I’m really looking forward to working on something new in the new year.

I also published three stories in Analog this year, “An Interstellar Incident,” “Titanium Soul,” and “The North Revena Ladies Literary Society.” It’s really nice to be “out there” after quite a long dry spell.

We traveled to Brent’s mother’s house for Thanksgiving dinner yesterday. While I was hanging about, dodging dinner prep duty, I happened to see some old books in her basket o’ magazines. The one on top was The I Hate to Housekeep Book, by Peg Bracken, published in 1962. I imagine my mother-in-law received this as a wedding gift or picked it up for herself early in her marriage.

Old homemaking manuals can be fascinating from an anthropological/sociological point of view, and are often unintentionally funny.

Well, what a surprise I had, because the book was NOT unintentionally funny. It was brilliant and quite deliberately slyly hilarious. I don’t have a copy of it myself, but I read it cover to cover over the course of the day, laughing aloud many times.

The book is written for the “random housekeeper,” which is a sort of affectionately mocking, self-denigrating nickname that usually annoys me. For example, I loathe Flylady’s “Sidetracked Home Executive,” and Flylady’s characterization of her readers as SHEs often rings false to me, and is not amusing at all.

So my back was up when she explained she was writing for the random housekeeper. She won me over in just a few pages, though, when I realized she did, indeed, have me completely pegged. Not surprising, because Peg Bracken was a working writer. You’ll find many an article or manual intended for full time home-makers is actually written by a full time writer and the advice within it often reflects the fractured lifestyle of the writing/working woman. In Bracken’s case, this is very much true, and the takeaway for me was not that housekeeping is loathsome, but that it’s necessary to do a certain amount of it in order to keep doing the things you really like (“working on your French verbs”).

I chuckled hard when, in the introduction to her section on cooking, she wrote, “housekeeping and cooking are miserably intertwined,” and expanded on how every meal prepared adds to the crumbs and mess that must be cleaned up, and time spent cleaning leads to anxious thoughts of what to have for dinner and how to make it. So true!

There are some places where the book is out of date. It is most decidedly written from a mid-century point of view with respect to the roles of the sexes–although it is subtly subversive. You just have to get past that. I don’t think her advice about wigs is terribly relevant at all, and many of the products she recommends are not only unavailable, I have no idea what they even are. (“sal soda” anyone?)

On the other hand, much of the book is surprisingly prescient, and very much applicable to working mothers of the 21st century. I took away some funny-but-true tips. For example, she recommends if you have a very busy day planned–many things to do–instead of doing them one at a time, start them all, and then you will have no choice but to finish. She also suggests, when you get inspired to clean house, to seize upon the impulse, but always start in a different place. That way, when you inevitably run out of energy and peter out, you will have finished in a different place, rather than always stopping before you get to that back bedroom. Smart, and also funny.

The greatest piece of wisdom, though, is the emphasis that you keep house for yourself and your family, and not to get hung up on other people’s standards. Always refreshing, that, and I suspect far ahead of its time.

Bracken includes some recipes at the end, and party planning tips. The recipes are somewhat dated, but a few of them seem useful. She also wrote a cookbook which seems to have a cult following. I intend to acquire it.

Overall a fun and surprising gem to discover while visiting relatives. (And I must say, the great thing about being a guest at an older person’s home is perusing all of the interesting old books they have.)

Bracken died in 2007, but I was happy to hear that she lived to a ripe old age, had family, and had many admirers.

When I tell people I’ve been following the 30 Day Diabetes Cure, and that it involves things like eliminating sugar and processed food, many people say, “Oh, yes, I have done that, it’s a good idea,” or something like that. Although the plan is similar to many other plans like The South Beach Diet, that reduce sugar, carbs, etc., it is actually a lot more than that. Enough more that it’s very difficult to condense into a conversation. I’d have to stand around lecturing for quite a while to describe all that goes into it. I do believe it’s very smart to combine so many strategies to reverse the damaging metabolic changes associated with diabetes, but it doesn’t have an easy sound bite.

I thought it would be interesting to catalog all of the stuff I’ve been doing. I’ve continued to lose weight, after a tiresome month-long plateau, so I’m feeling happy and positive about it all again. Plateaus suck. I’m down 15 pounds since last spring, and since I started 30DDC in Sept., I’ve lost 8-9 pounds, including 3 inches from my waist, without counting calories or terribly much deprivation. Although this list is long, it’s actually not that hard to do, especially phasing changes in a day at a time. It becomes automatic. I think it’s all a lot more easier and effective than calorie/carb counting.

The list is divided into stuff I’m doing that’s on the 30 DDC plan, stuff I’m doing on my own, and stuff from the 30DDC that I’m not doing, for various reasons.

Stuff I’m doing from the 30DDC

1. No sugar, not even natural sugars, including added sugars in packaged foods. This is easier than it sounds. You stop craving it after a few days.

2. No white flour. Not really missing this.

3. No industrial oils (canola, safflower, crisco, margarine etc.). I eat peanut oil, coconut oil, butter, olive oil, sesame oil, and so forth.

4. No factory farmed meat or fish.

5. No commercial cured sausages.

6. At least five servings vegetables a day. (This was tricky until I remembered frozen veg. Now I just grab some veg from the freezer any time I need to boost my veg servings for the day. This morning, I had a small serving of green beans with my (whole wheat) waffles. Frozen green beans, peas, or broccoli can also be thrown into just about any casserole, curry, stew, or stir fry.)

7. Beans with every meal. This one is weird and a little challenging. Beans slow the release of sugars into the blood, and have huge beneficial effects on metabolism. I cook a big pot of beans about once a week, different each time, and grab a side dish of them whenever the meal doesn’t already have beans in it.

8. Green superfood smoothies. I don’t fit one in every day, but I have a semi-daily smoothie featuring whatever fruit I have around, plus coconut milk or yogurt, and a green superfood powder containing chlorella, spirulina, and a bunch of other “superfood” ingredients.

9. Magnesium supplements.

10. Cinnamon. Book recommends a teaspoon a day. I quickly realized capsules were the only practical way to consume this much cinnamon. Reduces release of sugars into the blood.

11. Fish oil. (I’ve been taking fish oil supplements for several years.)

12. Whole grains, including whole grain bread, oatmeal, quinoa, and barley, the latter of which is supposed to super long-lasting satiety and blood-sugar lowering properties. Replacing processed cereals with 100% whole grain cereals.

13. Fish two or three times a week.

14. Yoga. (Obviously, I’ve been doing this for a while. The book recommends a regular practice of gentle, restorative yoga. Mine is quite a bit more intense.)

15. Walking, running. I also did this before, but have stepped it up since starting the 30DDC. The dogs appreciate this.

16. Tea or coffee daily. Mostly herbal tea, because I don’t do well with caffeine.

17. No artificial sweeteners.

18. No soda of any kind, ever.

19. Minimal fruit juice–100% real fruit juice as an occasional treat only.

20. Removing plastics and teflon from food containers, cooking equipment, utensils. A work in progress. I’ve replaced most of our plastic stuff, but still have some around.

21. Use shampoo free of sodium laurel sulfates.

22. As little BPA as possible, aka, very little canned food. We still do use canned fish, but we buy Pomi boxed tomatoes, and some glass-jar varieties of tomato sauces and pastes. Vegetables we get fresh or frozen.

23. Adequate sleep every night. I’ve never really had a problem with this, but it’s part of the plan and a big challenge for some people.

Extra Stuff I Do Because It’s a Good Idea

1. Calcium supplement, because I’m a petite woman with a family history of osteoporosis. No brainer.

2. Vitamin D supplement, prescribed by my doctor, also recommended by 30DDC

3. Multivitamin, when I remember.

4. Going easy on the carbs. I’m not counting carbs, but it seems like the weight tends to come off better if I keep the daily carbs to 2-3 servings.

Stuff Recommended by the Plan that I Don’t Do

1. Use step counter to take 10,000 steps/day. Haven’t purchased a step counter yet. Nice idea.

2. Additional diabetes-friendly supplements like Co-Q. Seems like I’m doing fine. I don’t want to spend a ton of money on supplements. You can go pretty far down that rabbit hole without anything to show for it. I think some of these are definitely worth pursuing for people with diabetes or other chronic illness, however.

3. Milk thistle for liver detox. I did this for a couple of weeks, but it was not clear how it was benefiting me, and when I stopped taking it, some digestive troubles I was having cleared up.

4. Strength training. I get some of this with the bikram yoga. There’s a lot of bodyweight muscle building exercise included. But it would be nice to do some added weight training, especially upper body. At this time, I simply don’t have the wherewithall to include it in my schedule. Maybe some day.

5. No alcohol. There’s no drinking during the official first 30 days, and I obeyed that rule. Alcohol is not absolutely forbidden forever by the book, but it’s kind of not recommended. I have a drink a week or so–not very much because most alcoholic beverages still have a lot of added sugar, especially my favorite, gin and tonic.

6. Turmeric. Another spice superfood, available in capsule form. Nice-sounding idea. Haven’t tried it yet.

 

In addition to slow, steady weight loss, I feel like I have a lot more energy. I’m doing a lot of yoga, and seeing a lot more progress in yoga than before 30DDC. I think my complexion has changed, too. Not quite as pale. I replaced some of my makeup recently with slightly darker tones, even though it is November and I in NO WAY have a tan. I’ve read this can happen when people eat a lot of vegetables. I also seem to have lost my dairy intolerance. Hard to say if it’s the diet or the weight loss or what, but I realized recently that I’d gradually been consuming more and more dairy without any ill effects. Yay! I think if I drank a large glass of milk plain, I might still have belly rumbles, but I’m getting away with a lot more cheese and small amounts of milk, in my smoothies, for example.

Overall, I’m quite pleased with this lifestyle, and now that I’ve worked out a lot of menus and figured out what products are safe and what are off limits (almost everything), it is pretty much on autopilot.

We feed our dogs a home prepared, mostly-raw diet. Years ago, we learned about the benefits of a natural diet for dogs, and that there is evidence that grain-based commercial dog foods harm the health of pets. For dogs, a natural diet would never include grains, except perhaps in trace amounts, and relatively few veggies. What dogs and wolves mostly need to eat is meat, bone, and offal. And yet what we mostly feed them in this country is corn.

But I’m not here to talk about natural diets for dogs. You can learn more about that here and here. See, after over a decade of feeding “bones and raw food” to three humongous dogs, I’m just plain tired of the subject, and I employ a number of conversational dodges to avoid it.

For example, I am asked very, very often when I’m out and about with the beasts, “How much do they eat?”

I could say, “One half to one whole chicken per day, each,” but that would lead to a long conversation that I don’t want to have, touching on the natural diet of wolves, the myth that chicken bones are dangerous for dogs to eat, and the economics of meat production in the U.S. Since most of the time I am just trying to walk my dog on a nice day, or trying get from point A to point B with my dog, or throwing all of my weight into the leash to keep my dog from confiscating the hat the questioner is wearing, I usually say, “You’d be surprised. Not really much more than a lab or a german shepherd. They are very lazy, low-energy dogs.”

And it’s true, and leads to a much easier conversation about dog breeds and exercise needs.

Sadly, sometimes it is hard to avoid that conversation I don’t want to have. Take, for example, the grocery store, where I procure the equivalent of 2-3 chickens per day for the dogs. I’d rather not feed them so much chicken, but currently chicken is the only meat on the market that can be bought for under $1/pound in my area. So chicken it is.

My typical routine is to go into the grocery store and buy ALL of the chicken quarters they have in the case. Might another customer want to buy a jumbo pack of chicken quarters for 79 cents/pound? They might, but if I get there first, they are out of luck. I can usually get 3-4 family packs of chicken thighs, weighing 5-6 pounds each. One five pound pack is a day’s worth of food for my dogs. I would buy more, but I usually don’t find more than 4 packs or 20 to 30 pounds of chicken at one time.

If ground beef is on sale for less than $2/pound, I might throw a 10 lb chub of beef in the cart.

So then I go to the checkout line, with my 30 lbs of chicken, and here’s where it gets awkward. Everyone’s so curious about chicken.

“How are you going to cook those?”

“Do you cook those right away or freeze them?”

“You sure do like chicken!”

I answer every question with a vague nod and a smile. Otherwise I will find myself explaining the natural diet of wolves and meat industry economics in the U.S. And, frankly, I am usually a bit frazzled after an hour or so of grocery shopping, and don’t want to talk to anyone.

One time, a puzzled cashier said to me, “That sure is a lot of chicken. Are you having a chicken party?”

“Yes,” I told him, without explanation. Ever since then, in our house, chicken party is a thing. Can you imagine? It’s like a keg party, but instead of 124 pints of beer, we buy 30 pounds of chicken. Then, in a single night of uninhibited feasting, we and our closest friends eat all of the chicken. All of it. That’s a chicken party. We have them all the time.

You know who likes chicken parties? Dogs. For a dog, the best kind of party is one where you have more meat than you can eat. You eat all of it that you can, then you fight with your best friend over the stuff you can’t eat. Then you have a contest to see who can sit and stare at the meat the longest without giving up and going in the house for a nap. (Oh, yes, important tip. Never let a mastiff have raw chicken inside your house. Trust me on this one.)

Sometimes it’s not so amusing. Take, for example, the muslim cashier at my neighborhood Kroger. He never complains, but when we buy meat, he covers his hands with a plastic grocery bag first, and then double bags the meat so he doesn’t have to touch the leaking juices. I’m not sure if it’s a religious or hygienic precaution. If hygienic, I agree, but always feel somewhat more guilty because not only are the meat juices leaking out of all of the packages making a mess for him, but they are non-halal meat juices, and that seems a bit too much.

Not too long ago, I ended up in his line with my load comprised of all of the chicken quarters in the store, plus, probably, some spinach, bread, and eggs, or something like that.

The customer behind me was particularly persistent with the questions. “How do you cook those?” she said. “I only buy skinless breasts. I fry them in a pan with some water, to keep them from drying out.”

I didn’t say, I pity you the despair of your tasteless fat-phobic diet, which is what I wanted to say. Instead, I think I said something vague like, “Yes, chicken breast can dry out,” avoiding entirely the “How do you cook it” question, because I think anyone who has ever watched Looney Tunes knows all of the ways you can cook poultry, so what really is there to say? “Fry, sautee, fricassee.” (I’ve never fricassed anything, but I know about it because of Looney Tunes. See?)

Having extricated myself from that conversation, I turned to see the kind, patient, bearded muslim cashier struggling to double bag my 30 pounds of chicken without getting the juices on his hands.

“Oh,” I said. “I”m sorry to make you deal with all of that meat.”

He looked at me, opened his mouth as if to say something, and then just sighed and went back to bagging up the chicken.

Because what really could he say? “The fuck, woman? This is not normal!”

And, unless I wanted to talk about the natural diet of wolves and the economics of meat production in the U.S., I would have no answer for.